Friday, 2 March 2012

Feeling more aware in the world

Ever since beginning the research into multiple personality disorders (more known as dissociative identity disorder) I've become so aware of my self and people around me.
Even more so today, getting negative feedback from anything will knock you for six, and that's how I'm feeling after hearing about my contextual studies first draft. I know full well I can do it, its just having the positive attitude to go with the actions I'm struggling with. Even with momentary times of self satisfaction such as buying myself new jeans and discovering I need the size down is just a small time of happiness before the sadness. I hate and detest failure only for the fact my mood is down for days afterwards, and even though I can be surrounded by friends it doesn't matter. Even now surrounded by people in a bus I've never felt more lonely, the same feeling experienced in classes, frustration, anxiety hidden behind a wall of laughter. Even moreso today from my mood that I feel this way.
I know we learn to feel certain ways to situations, were biologically constructed this way by our brains hippocampus and amygdala that our emotions and memories are linked that to fail equals my emotive response.
I'm forever questioning who am I today? Who am I here? What performance is it I'm portraying right now? With there being no consistent straight answer I'm left questioning. I question everything I make or do lately and that too is getting to be extremely annoying. Trying to keep the balance between essaywork and studio practice is nuts as everything else is pushed aside. There's just not enough hours in my day to focus 100% on one task at hand.

I'm worrying how ill continue to manage this term, right now I'm not doing the greatest, and people lying to me, giving me a false sence of security is the most annoying thing ever to me right now. More irritating than the bratty child singing on this bus right now god dammit.

Right my stops coming up so time for this blog post to end. More emo rants later.

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