Finally lifting my head from the desk

*groan*

Ive officially spent way too long on this fecking essay. Handed in a brand new essay and got some feedback back... eh... a few rants I would love to be posting here but fuck it. Im struggling really badly with this essay and as far as I'm concerned I'm now so scunnered with the entire thing I'm aiming for a simple pass. Thats what I'm aiming for and I dont give a flying crap being told "I could have done better" type pish. This entire contextual studies I was really interested in and every single tutorial I genuinly start to dread and detest the entire project. I'm no longer interested into the studies I am and quite frankly to be told to read this, check this out, try and put some of this information which I've never even heard of into my essay, with 2 weeks to the final hand in... Is not fucking on and not bloody fair! Whats the point in adding in a whole new resource of information I do not understand. It would be like lying in my essay. Guy may have a phd but is ability to explain something to me is fucking bollocks. Oh and another thing slagging off my pc's ability to do something which you've never seen before... Bravo mate its called "cross referencing" and oh shit... Im right and your wrong.

And since because my essay has stolen my soul, My drawing practice has hit the shitter. Which is not the greatest thing seeing as we had the external examiners in on Friday. Their opinions were great and their own knowledge was greatly appreciated as far as my own chance to speak to them was but it was still bloody frustrating that day.
Right back to this essay of fucking torment before I start another 11pm to 7am shift

Feeling more aware in the world

Ever since beginning the research into multiple personality disorders (more known as dissociative identity disorder) I've become so aware of my self and people around me.
Even more so today, getting negative feedback from anything will knock you for six, and that's how I'm feeling after hearing about my contextual studies first draft. I know full well I can do it, its just having the positive attitude to go with the actions I'm struggling with. Even with momentary times of self satisfaction such as buying myself new jeans and discovering I need the size down is just a small time of happiness before the sadness. I hate and detest failure only for the fact my mood is down for days afterwards, and even though I can be surrounded by friends it doesn't matter. Even now surrounded by people in a bus I've never felt more lonely, the same feeling experienced in classes, frustration, anxiety hidden behind a wall of laughter. Even moreso today from my mood that I feel this way.
I know we learn to feel certain ways to situations, were biologically constructed this way by our brains hippocampus and amygdala that our emotions and memories are linked that to fail equals my emotive response.
I'm forever questioning who am I today? Who am I here? What performance is it I'm portraying right now? With there being no consistent straight answer I'm left questioning. I question everything I make or do lately and that too is getting to be extremely annoying. Trying to keep the balance between essaywork and studio practice is nuts as everything else is pushed aside. There's just not enough hours in my day to focus 100% on one task at hand.

I'm worrying how ill continue to manage this term, right now I'm not doing the greatest, and people lying to me, giving me a false sence of security is the most annoying thing ever to me right now. More irritating than the bratty child singing on this bus right now god dammit.

Right my stops coming up so time for this blog post to end. More emo rants later.